The Stages of Grief: Relationship's Edition

Most people are familiar with the five stages of grief, as it relates to the death of a loved one. The Kubler-Ross model identifies the following stages grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The same stages used to explain the process that the living experience for grieving the dead could also apply to the death of an intimate relationship. Although the person is not dead, when we lose a very strong interpersonal connection, we grieve. So, how do we go on after a loss of love? Read on to see what steps you can take to move through the stages and go from shock to acceptance.

Stage 1

Denial- "This can't be real."

During the denial stage of grief, we don't want to believe that this person will no longer be a part of our lives. Your brain does not want to accept it and as a result, this is the most vulnerable time to mistakenly trip back in to a relationship that may not be very healthy.

When you are in denial, there are behaviors that you can engage in that will lighten the blow:

1. Cry. It's okay to let your feelings show. Crying is a release of intense emotions. Keeping the negative emotions pent up inside of you, only hurts you.

2. Stop all contact with your ex. You can't move on if you're still calling and texting and Facebook messaging like nothing ever happened.

3. Do something constructive. Journaling, making art, painting, etc... etc... can help you channel that hurt in to something beautiful and uniquely yours.

Stage 2

Anger- "How could you do this to me."

During the anger stage of grief, you will be pissed. You may begin blaming your ex, friends, family, yourself, and even your higher power for the reason that your relationship has ended.

When you are in the anger stage of grief, there are things that you can do to manage your anger:

1. Admit that you are angry. Anger is a valid emotion. As long as you are not flipping tables and snapping at everyone that breathes, you are allowed to be angry.

2. As mentioned before, DO NOT contact your ex. Rage calling and texting is never a good idea. You're trying to move on. Contacting your ex is the opposite of moving on.

3. This is not the time to over analyze the relationship. You're angry; reminiscing and hyper-focusing on the relationship will only bring on more anger than you can control.

Stage 3

Bargaining- "Okay. Maybe we should try again."

This is the second most vulnerable time to fall back in to a past relationship. You're thinking that maybe you're able to work it out with your ex. You are desperate to reunite. You want to beg, plead, borrow, and steal to have your ex back in to your life.

There are several things that you can do to avoid a backslide in to a relationship that you may not need:

1. If you haven't already, unfriend your ex on Facebook, stop following them on Instagram and Twitter. Delete their number. Limited interaction is best.

2. Talk this out with friends and family that are honest with you. They will remind you of the reason(s) that the relationship ended in the first place.

3. Recognize that you're a badass and independent and being in or out of a relationship does not make you who you are.

Step 4

Depression- "Woe is me."

Now here you are at the lowest of lows. You're not sure if you can ever love again. You're feeling hopeless and disinterested in things that once gave you joy. In very serious situations, a person may begin to experience thoughts of killing themselves or someone else.

There are ways to cross the bridge of depression and make it to the other side:

1. Surround yourself with supportive family and friends. People that will build you up when you're feeling down.

2. Take a weekend away. Get back in touch with yourself. Take time to reflect, rest, and relax.

3. If you feel that you may hurt yourself or someone else, seek help. Call 1-800-SUICIDE and follow any recommendations provided.

4. Work with a therapist on developing appropriate coping skills that will get you through your current feelings of depression. Sometimes just having an objective listening ear can make things fall in to place.

Stage 5

Acceptance- "Yes. I can do this."

Well, here you are. You've made it through the worst of your breakup. You've come to terms with the absence of your relationship. You may still occasionally revert back to a previous stages of grief, but for the most part you're on your way to a happier, more confident you.

Here some ways that you can keep up the good work:

1. If you haven't already, purge your house, work, car, and any other space of your ex's belongings.

2. Try a new hobby. Keeping your mind and body occupied and making new, positive connections can assist in maintaining happiness.

3. Tread with caution when it comes to reconnecting to your ex. I don't recommend it, but if you do it's important to keep very strong friend zone boundaries.

It's important to note that everyone is different when it comes to the transcending the stages of grief. Some may fly through all five stages is a week; others may take 6 months or even a year. It's possible to skip steps or move through steps and fall back in to a previous step that you thought you conquered. Although initially, things may be difficult; just remember that it gets better and that you will make it through.